Hi. My name is Dr. Deke, and I'm running for President...
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The elections for the University of Michigan Student Government started today. This means that most people on campus have by now received at least three or four unsolicited e-mails from various candidates saying, "VOTE FOR MEEEEEE!!!" Well, in the past, I've simply ignored these spam e-mails, but today I felt like taking a somewhat more proactive stance toward them, and I wrote exceedingly sarcastic responses to each and every unsolicited campaign e-mail I received. If I do say so myself, I find some of these responses to be extremely humorous, so I have decided to post them in this article. I wonder if I will hear back from any of the candidates...

Starting shortly after midnight, I received 5 unsolicited "vote for me" e-mails from three candidates for MSA/LS&A Student Government. Ironically, I am not eligible to vote for or against any of these candidates, because they are running in the school of Literature, Science and the Arts, and I am enrolled in the College of Engineering. Obviously, these candidates were not particularly discriminating in their choice of recipients of their campaign spams.

Earlier today while I was at work, in my spare time there, I decided to start sending replies to these e-mails with the intention of suggesting to the candidates that spamming voters is not a good way to run a campaign. I started responding in the reverse order in which I had received the messages, but as I wrote the responses, I decided that there was a definite opportunity for humor there, so I wrote each response in a more ridiculous fashion than the previous. Below are the e-mails I received and the responses that I sent to each of them:

You can click on these shortcuts to each message, or just scroll down to read them in order:

The first e-mail that I replied to was the one from Jessica Perkins. Her e-mail to me reads as follows:

Subject: Wonderful!

Hey Russell
It's time to VOTE JESSICA PERKINS for LSA-SG!!!
Go to http://www.votefirst.com and VOTE NOW!!!
VOTE JESSICA AND STUDENTS FIRST!!!

My name is Jessica Perkins and I am running for LSA-SG Representative with Students First. I am very excited to be on the ballot this election because I have a lot of ideas to better our school. Some things I would like to work on over the next year are:

*improving homecoming festivities
*online lectures
*expansion of minor curriculum

Along with the rest of the Students First candidates I will:
*institute the Readership Program that would bring free newspapers like the NY Times to campus.
* expand entree plus starting by bringing it to Crisler and Yost.
*put money into the various resources on campus like the CCRB, Trotter House, and others.
Thank you so much for your support and please remember me when you cast your vote! VOTE JESSICA! VOTE STUDENTS FIRST! http://www.votefirst.com

This was my reply:

Subject: RE: Wonderful!

Hey, Jessica, what's up?

My name is Rusty Dekema and I am an Engineering student, so I can't vote for you in your campaign for LSA-SG representative. Furthermore, I certainly did not give you permission to send me bulk e-mails this semester. If I were eligible to vote in the election in which you are running, I would not be inclined to vote for someone who fills up my Inbox with spam. I would suggest that in the future, you take care to not send unsolicited bulk e-mail to those who have not given you permission to do so.

Take care, and good luck with your campaign,
Rusty

 

The next e-mail that I replied to was the one from Ashwini Hardikar, whose e-mail to me consists of the following:

Subject: VOTE for ASHWINI!!!!!!

Hey Russell,
I’m Ashwini Hardikar and I’m running for Michigan Student Assembly LSA rep with the Students First party! I want to bring political issues to the forefront of MSA while still paying attention to non-political issues as well. I am deeply, deeply committed to many progressive and social justice causes in the community. I am an intern at MARAL Pro-Choice Michigan, I’m on the executive board for the Vagina Monologues, I’m a core member of Amnesty International and am a core member of Students for Kucinich, along with several other groups.

Among the things I hope to accomplish:

* FREE foreign language tutoring
* Reduce over-crowding on the U-M buses
* Keep the newspaper readership program in the res halls!
* Keep the Greeks from becoming historic
* Make the Women’s Issues Commission a link between the many women’s rights groups on campus

The U-Party, in their quest to remove politics from MSA, will actually be denying the many students who *care* about politics the right to have their voice heard. Students First strongly believes that *ALL STUDENTS* deserve representation. And if elected, I would be representing *YOU*. BUT I NEED YOUR VOTE NOW!

Go to www.VoteFirst.com and click on the "Vote Now" link.

********* VOTE ASHWINI AND STUDENTS FIRST!!!!! **********

I decided to have a little fun with this one, so I wrote the following response:

Subject: RE: VOTE for ASHWINI!!!!!!

Hey Ashwini,

I'm Rusty Dekema, a.k.a. Dr. Deke, and I am running for President of the United States as an independent candidate in the 2004 elections. You know, we stand on the doorstep of a new millenium. I want to bring common sense to the forefront of the government of this nation, while still paying attention to the more political issues (such as fundraising, obtaining bribes, etc...) as well. I am deeply committed to many issues in the community and in the United States at large. I am a member of the "Doctor Deke" rap group, which is dedicated to bringing the important issues regarding antique computers into the mainstream hip-hop community. (You can find more on this pressing issue on my web page at http://www.inactivex.net/hiphop/.)

Among the things I hope to accomplish are:

* Change the official language of the U.S.A. to Esperanto
* Reduce over-crowding on the nation's Amtrak trains
* Encourage the publication of independently-controlled newspapers and other media outlets
* Legalize marijuana, LSD, MDMA and psilocybin mushrooms and create safe and controlled governmental distribution channels for these substances
* Keep liberals from becoming historic
* When Republicans are in charge, man exploits man. When I am in charge, it will be the other way around.
* Change the laws to allow full access to abandoned factories to urban explorers (see http://www.alliedpaper.org for full details).

The Republicratic Party, in their quest to remove "thinking" from the citizens of this country, will actually be denying the many people who *care* about freedom the right to have their voice heard. Dr. Deke strongly believes that *ALL PEOPLE* deserve representation and equal rights. And if elected, I will be fighting for these rights for *YOU*. BUT I NEED YOUR VOTE ON NOVEMBER 2ND!

Now I know that some people may take offense to receiving this kind of unsolicited political e-mail. But, since this campaign, like others, is so important, I just figured that it wouldn't be necessary to ask for permission before sending this out.

****VOTE EARLY, VOTE OFTEN, VOTE FOR DR. DEKE FOR PRESIDENT ON NOVEMBER 2ND!****
 ****VOIX POUR DR. DEKE POUR PRÉSIDENT ON LE 2 NOVEMBRE!!!!****
****[the same message in Chinese characters]****
****STIMME FÜR DR. DEKE FÜR PRÄSIDENTEN AN NOVEMBER 2.!!!!****
****¡¡¡¡VOTO PARA DR. DEKE PARA EL PRESIDENTE DE NOVIEMBRE EL 2!!!!****

 

I enjoyed writing that response quite a bit, so I decided I might as well go all-out in responding to the three different e-mails that Paul Spurgeon had sent me. Since he sent me three e-mails with different content within a period of about ten minutes, I decided that I would compose three distinct responses, and send them all within a period of only a few minutes.

Paul Spurgeon's first e-mail to me:

Subject: Vote Spurgeon! Vote Now!

Hi!

It's time to VOTE PAUL SPURGEON for MSA-LSA!!!
Go to http://www.votefirst.com and VOTE NOW!!!
VOTE PAUL SPURGEON AND STUDENTS FIRST!!!

My name is Paul Spurgeon and I am running for MSA-LSA Representative with Students First. I need your support, and here's why:

I think it is important that the money you give to MSA comes back to you.
Every student pays that money so every student should see results. That is what Students First is all about. Should I be elected I will listen to you and never tell you that an issue you feel is important does not belong in MSA. Along with the rest of the Students First candidates I will…

*institute the Readership Program that would bring free newspapers like the NY Times to campus.
* expand entree plus starting by bringing it to Crisler and Yost.
*put money into the various resources on campus like the CCRB, Trotter House, and others.
Thank you so much for your support!
VOTE SPURGEON!
VOTE STUDENTS FIRST!
http://www.votefirst.com

My reply to Spurgeon's first e-mail:

Subject: Vote DR. DEKE! Vote Nov. 2nd!

Hi Paul!

It will soon be time to VOTE DR. DEKE for PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES! Go to your polling place and VOTE NOVEMBER 2ND!!! VOTE DR. DEKE AND COMMON SENSE FIRST!!!

My name is Rusty, a.k.a. Dr. Deke and I am running for President of the United States with the Know-Nothing Party. I need your support November 2nd, and here's why:

I think it is important that the tax money you pay to the federal government comes back to you. Most citizens pay that money, so most citizens should see results. That is what the Know-Nothing party is all about. Now I know that you might think that the Know-Nothing party died out after 1856, but let me assure you that this is not the case at all. Our party is gaining support every day and is stronger than ever. Should I be elected, I will fight for a hand-up, not a hand-out. Along with the rest of the Know-Nothing candidates for the House and Senate, I will:

* Institute the Urban Exploration Program, which will allow free access to abandoned factories by urban explorers (see http://www.alliedpaper.org for full details)
* Expand our immigration programs to allow as many people to move here from Venezuela as possible.
* Introduce a free-spirited campaign of procreative racial deconstruction to help end racism in this great country.

Thank you so much for your support on November 2nd!

***VOTE FOR DR. DEKE***VOTO PARA DR. DEKE PARA EL PRESIDENTE***
***VOTE KNOW-NOTHING PARTY***VOTO PARA EL PARTIDO DE NO SÉ NADA.***
http://www.inactivex.net/

 

Paul Spurgeon's second e-mail to me:

Subject: Vote Spurgeon! Vote now!

Hey Russell,

It's time to VOTE PAUL SPURGEON for MSA-LSA!!!
Go to http://www.votefirst.com and VOTE NOW!!!
VOTE PAUL SPURGEON AND STUDENTS FIRST!!!

My name is Paul Spurgeon and I am running for MSA-LSA Representative with Students First. As the former vice-chair of the College Democrats, and an active member for three years, I can represent your values and your ideas on the assemblY!!!

I need your support, and here's why:

I think it is important that the money you give to MSA comes back to you.
Every student pays that money so every student should see results. That is what Students First is all about. Should I be elected I will listen to you and never tell you that an issue you feel is important does not belong in MSA. Along with the rest of the Students First candidates I will?

*institute the Readership Program that would bring free newspapers like the NY Times to campus.
* expand entree plus starting by bringing it to Crisler and Yost.
*put money into the various resources on campus like the CCRB, Trotter House, and others.
Thank you so much for your support!
VOTE SPURGEON!
VOTE STUDENTS FIRST!
http://www.votefirst.com

My reply to Spurgeon's second e-mail (recall that his campaign slogan was, "Get your SPURGE ON"):

Subject: RE: Vote Spurgeon! Vote now!

Hey Paul,

GET YOUR DEKE ON AT THE BALLOT BOX NOVEMBER 2ND! VOTE FOR DR. DEKE

It's time to VOTE FOR DR. DEKE for PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES! Go to your polling place and VOTE NOVEMBER 2ND!!! VOTE DR. DEKE AND COMMON SENSE FIRST!!!

My name is Rusty Dekema and I am running for President of the United States with the KNOW-NOTHING PARTY. As the former representative from Ms. Cepeda's class in the 4th-grade King Westwood Elementary School Student Council, I can and will represent your values and your ideas as President of the United States.

I need your support, come November 2nd, and here's why:

I think it is important that the money you give the USA in taxes comes back to you. Virtually every citizen pays that money, so every citizen should see results. This is what the KNOW-NOTHING PARTY is all about. Should I be elected, I will listen to you and almost never tell you that an issue you feel is important does not belong in the United States. Except when the issue is a bad idea. Along with the other Know-Nothing candidates running for the House and Senate, I will?

* Annex Canada as the 52nd State in the Union
* Urge Congress to drop "A Big Bunch of Atom Bombs" (http://www.inactivex.net/musings/atombombs.mpg) over the Middle East, and fast! (My cousin Harry thinks that maybe it's the only thing they'd understand...)
* Put money into the various important resources in this country such as the Department of Homeland Security to protect us from all this terra, for which America demands action.

I'm counting on your support!

**Dr. Deke para el Presidente!**
**¡Voto Dr. Deke!**
http://www.inactivex.net/
http://www.alliedpaper.org/

Paul Spurgeon's third e-mail to me:

Subject: Vote Spurgeon! Vote now!

It's time to VOTE PAUL SPURGEON for MSA-LSA!!!
Go to http://www.votefirst.com and VOTE NOW!!!
VOTE PAUL SPURGEON AND STUDENTS FIRST!!!

My name is Paul Spurgeon and I am running for MSA-LSA Representative with
Students First.

I need your support, and here's why:

I think it is important that the money you give to MSA comes back to you. Every student pays that money so every student should see results. That is what Students First is all about. Should I be elected I will listen to you
and
never tell you that an issue you feel is important does not belong in MSA. Along with the rest of the Students First candidates I will?

*institute the Readership Program that would bring free newspapers like the NY Times to campus.
* expand entree plus starting by bringing it to Crisler and Yost. *put money into the various resources on campus like the CCRB, Trotter House, and others.

Thank you so much for your support!
VOTE SPURGEON!
VOTE STUDENTS FIRST!
http://www.votefirst.com

_________________________________________________________________
online games and music with a high-speed Internet connection! Prices start
at less than $1 a day average. https://broadband.msn.com (Prices may vary
by service area.)

 

My reply to Spurgeon's third e-mail (recall once again that his campaign slogan was, "Get your SPURGE ON"):

Subject: Get UR Deke On @ The Ballot Box Nov 2 2004!

Hey there, Peter, what's happening?

Ahh, I'm going to have to tell you that it's time to go ahead and VOTE FOR DR. DEKE for PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!!! Go to your local polling place on November 2nd and VOTE THEN!!! VOTE EARLY. VOTE OFTEN. VOTE DR. DEKE AND THE T.P.S. REPORT PARTY!!!

Remember: When you leave hanging chads or forget to put the cover sheet on your T.P.S. Report Ballot, you are supporting TERRORISM.

My name is Rusty Dekema (a.k.a. DR. DEKE) and I am running for President of the United States with the T.P.S. Report Party.

I need your support November 2nd and here's why:

I think it is important that the money you give to the Federal Government in taxes comes back to you. I believe in a hand-up, not a hand-out. Just about every citizen pays taxes so every citizen should see results. Should I be elected, I will accept millions of dollars in unethical under-the-table campaign contributions, and promise that it will (probably) never happen again. This is what the T.P.S. REPORT PARTY is all about. Should I be elected, I will:

* Propose a Federal ban on stupid political ideas
* Mandate the use of a standardized cover sheet on -ALL- new T.P.S. Reports in American companies from now on.
* Pass a law ensuring that at least 20% of new rap or "hip-hop" music produced in America concerns the topic of retrocomputing (see http://www.inactivex.net/hiphop for details) to help address the massive retrocomputing hip-hop deficit our country is facing.
* Propose and pass the most stringent anti-"b**** slapping" legislation in our nation's history.
* Mandate the teaching of the fundamental principle of higher mathematics ("To understand recursion, one must first understand recursion.") in our nation's public schools.
* Remind all Americans to: "Only sniff it, otherwise you will regret it."

Thank you so much for your support come November 2nd!
VOTE EARLY
VOTE OFTEN
VOTE FOR DR. DEKE AND THE TPS REPORT PARTY!

P.S. You may think that it is inappropriate for me to send this kind of unsolicited political e-mail without your permission. But, since this campaign is so important (as are certain other campaigns that have been going on lately), I figured I would just go ahead and do it anyway. Thank you for your understanding and support in this matter. Remember, when you vote against DR. DEKE, you're voting for COMMUNISM!

 

I had a lot of fun writing these responses, but it's going to be a dark day if Paul Spurgeon ever finds me :).

But seriously, if you're one of the three candidates mentioned on this page and you are reading this, please do not take (too much) offense. It is all meant in jest and after all, you did e-mail me without my permission asking me to vote for you in the first place.