The CHRONICles
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Here they are, a slightly edited version of Sean's "The CHRONICles". Since nobody who reads this will probably understand our slang and inside jokes (especially since our group of friends liked to make up additional meanings for slang terms besides what they "really" mean), I have included explanations and definitions for some of the terms and people mentioned. Just click on an underlined term for its definition or explanation.

The CHRONICles
by Netdiablo

It is unfortunate that in modern day America, so many people are ignorant of the LeZotte Process and its effects. The LeZotte process is like Zen. But not just like Zen. You can make the LeZotte process stand for anything you want it to stand for. In that respect, the LeZotte process is something of a symbol. After all:

The Symbol is Not the Thing Symbolized.

For example, I could say that the LeZotte Process states that:

"Everything that can go wrong will go wrong."

Now, the haters out there will say that this is not LeZotte's law at all, but rather, it is Murphy's law. To all those haters, I say that they can just get off the shed, because the LeZotte process could be anything, since it is a symbol and a symbol can be assigned to mean something else on nothing but a whim.

So anyway, I was in Physics today and we were talking about mirrors and stuff and we had this equation that went like this:

1/f = 1/do + 1/di

Ms. Seabold tried to tell us these whack untruths like it was called the "Thin lens equation" or something whack like that, when everyone in the class really knew that it was called "LeZotte's equation number 1,493,932,129", since it is one of the millions and billions of equations that were actually discovered by Nathan LeZotte, along with numerous other advances in science and technology. The only reason that we don't know this today is because a whole bunch of other whack haters took credit for his work since he is so modest about his myriad achievements.

But I digress. Most people (the hatas) say that Nathan fell off, but I ask "how?". His last album was the Chronic, after all. That is another problem. Most people don't know it, but Nathan is actually a mad crazy hip-hop star. Nathan can flow like the dickens. All those little bustas out there try to take credit for Nathan's flows and beats but Nathan doesn't let the hatas get him down since a true playa always has to keep a step ahead to keep the hatas off base.

Alright, to get back on topic (finally!), we have to look at this year's elections for the homecoming court. Now, you could be a big busta and vote for some other person, or you could just vote for Nathan LeZotte for homecoming court. In typical LeZottean fashion, he keeps trying to be modest, sayin stuff like "If nominated, I will not run", but we all know that Nathan is just trying to be nice to all the other people who wouldn't even stand a chance if the LeZotte name came up on the ballot.

The key to Nathan's success is his widespread covert participation in the movement to fight The Man, spearheaded by the Afrosquad. If you don't want to wait until the Works Cited page (which Mr. Sadler said we had to include), you can visit their site at http://www.afrosquad.com.

Now, you might think that SnowMan and CrazyMan (the two guys that run the site) live in Texas, but in actuality, they live in Kalamazoo, Michigan. Their names are Bill Fischer and Nathan LeZotte.

Bill is one crazy guy. In fact, in Physics today, he tried to take a banana from the room by hiding it in his backpack. Er, wait, maybe I hid it in his backpack as a joke. I used to do that a lot last year. I put all sorts of things in Bill's backpack, like Ms. Seabold's ID card (when we had a sub), Mr. Peanut, and textbooks. Bill would always trip out when he found the stuff (and he didn't even find the ID until we got to lunch and BOY did he trip out) and then he would yell at me and go all crazy like you know Bill goes.

I think now would be an excellent time to discuss Mr. Peanut. Mr. Peanut is the stuffed peanut in the Physics room with all the pimp gear. Even though the sign above the door says that the class is taught by someone named "Ms. Seabold", we know that Mr. Peanut is the one really pulling the strings in there. How could you not when you have all that pimped out top hat and cane? Mr. Peanut really gets into some crazy ol' situations, especially last year in (regular) Physics. For example, I could hide Mr. Peanut in Bill's backpack, and even in some cases, Nathan's backpack (and while I'm on that topic, Nathan really tripped out when I tried to put that huge-ass chalkboard protractor in his backpack too), and usually they would trip out really hard when they found him. Then one time when Ms. Seabold was trying to demonstrate tension and stuff, she had him hanging from some strings from the ceiling, bondage style. I thought that it was so funny to swing Mr. Peanut around the class really hard, and eventually I hit him hard enough so that he swung up and knocked a ceiling tile out of the ceiling and onto the ground. Luckily, Ms. Seabold didn't seem to trip out too hard when I knocked the tile out of the ceiling, so it was all cool. Another time, Mr. Peanut disappeared for like a day, and Ms. Seabold thought that I took him, even though I didn't. It turned out that he was in the lab all along, so I was vindicated in that situation.

Even nowadays, Mr. Peanut is always doing strange and creative things to distract the attention from Ms. Seabold to him. For example, today, he was holding one of the bananas that were left on the table from the science meeting yesterday night, and it was pretty cool. Actually, me and Matt did that. It would be kind of humorous if the presence of the banana would distract the regular Physics class, or even better, that crazy Focus on Freshmen class. It's hard to say, though. It doesn't look like anyone in the current Physics class is really giving the props that Mr. Peanut deserves. It's just another tradition that'll die out once the senior class graduates, just like the computer lab is going to go to hell since nobody else is going to fix it.

You wouldn't believe it, but the Physics lab is a pretty interesting place to hang out. Last year, I would often get yelled at by Ms. Seabold for screwing around with lab materials when I was supposed to be in class, or talking to the student aides (Bill) instead of doing my work or something like that. But anyway, let me get back to the lab.

The lab has six Gateway 2000 computers. They are pretty crappy, except that they used to have some pretty cool screen savers on them. Last year, when there was a sub in the class, I got back in the lab and switched all the screen savers so that they would display all sorts of cool hip-hop quotes such as "Ahh, the Chronic" or "Call 1-900-MIXALOT and kick dem nasty thoughts" or something like that. This was all well and good for a fair amount of time, but then somebody hosed the computers and we had to reghost them and stuff. The cool thing about this though is that someone set the screen saver to say "bling bling" in crazy 3-D OpenGL text and then this image got ghosted onto Ms. Seabold's computer at the front of the class. One day, when she was lecturing, the screensaver came on, and since the computer was hooked up to the TV, everyone could see the screensaver. This was kind of funny, since you had this 3-dimensional "bling bling" flopping around on the television screen while we were trying to talk about reflection or refraction or something like that.

Actually, while I'm on the topic of refraction, me, Rusty, and Matt were in the lab a few days ago doing this refraction/reflection lab, and boy were we slacking off! Technically it was fourth hour, and we were supposed to be doing work for Mr. XXXXXX in the computer lab, but we decided to stay in the Physics lab all day and front like we were working on the printers, when in truth we never even looked at the printers. In fact, the Printers just started working the next day anyway, so it really doesn't matter.

So, anyway, we were doing all sorts of crazy stuff in the lab because we didn't want to go to the computer lab and do real work for Mr. XXXXXX. For example, Ms. Seabold has this crazy old K'Nex roller coaster that we were screwing around with for what seemed like a good hour, at least. Nathan and Rusty were trying to hate since they thought I broke it by trying to optimize the track characteristics but they got burnt pretty quickly when the roller coaster worked anyway. This roller coaster was pretty fun. We would always try to get the roller coaster to do crazy tricks, and usually it would fall off the track. Then, I decided to put some index cards that I found on the track right by the loop-de-loop which would cause some really cool spectacular de-trackings when the car hit it at high speed after coming off the first big drop. Then, once, when I was walking out of the back room in the Physics lab, I slipped on my pants and fell ass over heels almost right over the bottom part of the roller coaster. This was pretty funny since I had to do this crazy little twist maneuver to avoid hitting the roller coaster, and I landed on the floor with a big crash. Rusty started cracking up, and I think I must have distracted him from doing his lab for at least a good honest five minutes.

We were also playing with Ms. Seabold's lab telephone and Rusty's cellular phone. Rusty had to call Omnipoint since he was being whack and locked his own phone out, which he has done before also. Then, we thought it would be fun to use up Rusty's minutes, since they are going to expire soon anyway. We called Ms. Seabold's telephone, and then we tried to call Charlie, since Matt had seen him on IRC and we thought that he was being truant, skipping KAMSC or something, and it would have been kind of humorous to have caught him in the act or something. Unfortunately, we just ended up talking to his dad, so we didn't get to have much fun with that endeavour. Despite the fact that we did all this fun stuff, we also managed to get the lab done too. Talk about studious!

And speaking of studious, look at us now! I'm sitting here writing this crazy ol' narrative, while Rusty's writing a paper about cellular phones or something like that. Matt's just totally goin nuts over to the left of me, and in fact right now he just disappeared. Yesterday it was pretty much the same. I had some real work to do real quick, but after that, I just spent the rest of the time looking at infiltration web sites and talking to Rusty and Matt. Every once in a while, I would try to talk to Nathan, but since he's so studious, he kept ignoring us and doing his work anyway. What's the point of that?

Now that I think about it, its pretty cool that it's almost Friday. This weekend is looking pretty interesting, as there's some infiltration on the schedule for Friday night and Charlie's finnsta be unattended on Saturday, so you know that means we're going to have one of those crazy blockbuster parties with a real live hip-hop DJ and copious amounts of da Chronic and all that. Speaking about unattended weekends, we had a real doozy a few weeks back at Charlie's house!

We usually get pretty bored hanging around everyone's house, so when Jeremy wanted to go and grab something to eat, we were all pretty eager to go with him. We decided to go to Wendys. At Wendys, we were kinda sitting in the drive through deciding what to order when this car pulled up behind us and started honking at us. We looked, and there were like four women in the car. We started getting all tripped out thinking they were trying to lead us on and stuff so we ended up speeding through the drive through and they waved at us and we waved back and I yelled "Hello!" at them through the window (which was probably a pretty ridiculous thing to do) and then we tried to get Jeremy to drive after them since they went to Burger King after they went to Wendys.

Alright. After we had done this, we decided to go to this Quick Stop gas station downtown since Jeremy wanted to buy gas or some of the nasty snack foods or something like that. We ended up running into these two cars full of totally lost college kids or something, and we must have given them the worst directions ever to the NuVeau room, so we decided to kind of follow our own directions and see if we could find the place. Find it we did, but that was kind of boring since we drove past it and saw this line like around the block, and it wouldn't have mattered since they don't let people under 18 in and most of the people in the car would've been too timid to go in the place anyway! Hatin up!

So, anyway, after that, we just were driving around Kalamazoo all night and we did some really weird stuff. We were driving down Kilgore down to Westnedge and stopped at Big Lots, thinking we were going to dumpster dive and find some weird stuff, but it just turned out to be empty cardboard boxes and this raunchy ol' couch with a bunch of cigarette butts on it.

So after we were disappointed at Big Lots, we decided to stop in at Meijers on Westnedge. Meijers is pretty strange at like one in the morning, so we were just kind of roaming the store looking at the various goods on the shelves and things like that. The magazine section was of special mention. There are some really crazy magazines in the magazine section of a store, even one like Meijers. This one called "Import Tuner" was really ridiculous. You kind of had to wonder what the real focus of that magazine was.

After we had our fill of fun at Meijers, we decided to head down to downtown Kalamazoo to see if anything interesting was going on. We parked Jeremy's car behind the courthouse, and started walking around. This was like 2:00 in the morning. We went past Bourbon Street, and then turned left onto that single-lane brick street they put in a little while ago. We walked for a while, and then when we got kind of near that new Globe building, we ran into these four drunk-ass guys. These guys were really drunk. They were just kinda stumbling about saying a bunch of incoherent stuff, and they had this forty and they just tossed it up in a big arc in the air and it hit the pavement and just exploded all over the place. This kinda tripped us out so we walked by them kinda quickly without saying anything.

We ended up getting to the Water Street Coffee House, but it was closed. I heard some music in the distance and wanted to follow it, but Matt and Charlie were trippin out thinking they were going to get mugged or killed or something, and Jeremy was just about dying from his allergies, so we decided to turn back. On the way back, kinda near where we had seen the drunk guys, Jeremy found another forty laying in the grass. We thought this was kinda funny, Jeremy being picked up for two offences in one night (minor in possession and whatever offense was related to the BIG LOTS event, but I'm not going to talk about that) so Jeremy was just trippin out and he threw that forty up in a big arc and it broke on the ground with a big crash, so all that nasty ol' leftover beer and glass went over the sidewalk. I was kinda hatin up on Jeremy for that, since it seemed like
kind of an imprudent thing to do, but what could I do? It was kinda funny, too, I guess.

We finally got to Jeremy's car, and started driving back to Charlie's house, but that's pretty much the extent of anything interesting that happened that night. It just goes to show what happens when you've got four crazy ol' guys with absolutely nothing to do on a weekend night. At least I think it was a weekend. I can't really even remember.

Oh yeah, Matt just reminded me that at Charlie's house, Jeremy stripped down to like his boxers, and then forgot most of his clothes at Charlie's house when he left since he was about to die from his allergies and wanted to go home. Don't get me wrong, Jeremy's not a perv or anything, he's just kinda liberal about the wearing of clothes, I guess.

Well, I've pretty much run out of stuff to type and English class is over anyway. I think I'm going to close this paper up right quick. The End.